Not My Battle

Women need to wake up and accept their role in the destruction of their lives. We often want to blame the lack of a good man in our lives for the way our lives have turned out when in actuality, many of us spend too much time trying to do the right thing, with the wrong man.

When my husband and I spent time together, it was always quality time. Even though he wasn't formally educated, he was an intellectual in many ways. He did his best to carry on a conversations, but in the end he could only go so far. One thing for sure I knew, he was a person who suffered from deep loneliness, feelings of unworthiness, abandonment and neglect. As we progressed and I began to learn more about his past, I would encourage him to seek help, or to at least examine how these feelings are effecting his life in the present.

He would sometimes laugh it off, but mostly he would become angry and belittle me for delving into my feelings. He would often spout off how he would never do what was done to him. How he would be a different type of man and father. I watched him put forth effort in many ways. His own personality was so strong he was able to will himself into doing certain things that were contrary to what he was familiar with. Then, he would also mimic me. I noticed much of what I did became the standard. I saw how he was seeking structure and order and how I gave him the opportunity to choose it or not.

I knew I could not heal his loneliness. I knew it was not my battle to fight, but I did believe I was meant to love him, so I held on until all the good was gone. There was a price to pay, but a greater victory in the end. Now, I clearly understand I am not to engage in a relationship with someone who does not know how to love. I will never do the right thing with the wrong man again.