Why Won't You Just Admit It?

Why can't many women admit that they were doing the right thing, but with the wrong man?
See, a lot of times it is not that he is a bad man, he is the wrong man. In my case, the man I married would have made a marvelous boyfriend or baby daddy. He was a very attentive father. I trusted him to love, protect and shelter them. He would have made a great boyfriend too, as long as there was no responsibility on the table and all he had to do was wine and dine and romance; he's the man.

Who I was could not see who he was and his value or lack thereof, in my life. I felt we had to be married and would not accept anything less. This attitude, although admirable also blinded me from recognizing he was not was not HUSBAND material. Yes, he would cook clean, take care of the children. Yes, once he learned, he was very attentive to my physical needs, but he was not husband material.

I could have been taught how to recognize a husband, but I wasn't. I had no models for a well ran marriage. Even though I knew the relationships portrayed on TV were not real, they were where I got a lot of my ideas. Movies like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Carousel, Young at Heart, The Man With the Golden Arm, Mother Never Told Me and the Unexpected Uncle. 

I found myself identifying with many of the women who chose the underdog, the one everyone wanted to through away. I later discovered I did so because of how I felt about myself and I have a deep capacity for love. Even as a child, I felt love was the answer to all our problems in the world.

I was determined to do the right thing in my marriage. I stayed until I could not any longer and that was longer than I could have ever imagined. In reality, it took me 26 years to fully accept I was of no use to the man I married. I had to accept for all my smarts and knowledge; I could not help him embrace the wonder that was him. Nothing in my words or deed reached deep enough to spark true and lasting change. Yet, I was willing to forgive over and over again. It felt good to be able to do so as I was growing personally and getting real life, hands on training in loving a difficult person, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Outside of the fact that I just didn't want to do it anymore and I truly believe God released me from the marriage, I probably would still be active in the marriage. That is just how strongly I love. It pains me not to be able to share my love with others, but I have come to truly understand that love don't love nobody. Sometimes you just gotta walk away and accept he was not meant for you.

A lot of women get hung up on being ashamed because they may have children or have spent a lot of money on him, whatever. We pick or allow ourselves to be picked by the wrong man because we don't know what we want. We need to spend more time in self-care, examining our wants, needs and desires. We need to figure out why we want what we think we do, only to find it ain't what we want at all.

If you find yourself in this situation, break away.  It doesn't make you a quitter. It doesn't mean you aren't lovable. It doesn't mean that you will be alone for the rest of your life.  It simply means he was not the one for you and you have seek God's will for life and the man for you will step into your path.

Stupid Ass

Sometimes we can be just plain stupid asses. Women, that is. There are biological reasons why we experience some of the self-hate we do during our teen-aged years. Unfortunately, it also during that time that our self-esteem needs to be developed in a positive way. Otherwise, we will most likely have to work on ourselves later if our self-esteem is low throughout our teens.

The dictionary defines self-esteem as a realistic respect or favorable impression of one-self.
Self-respect is defined as .proper esteem or regard for the dignity of ones character.

What the dictionary does not tell you is self-esteem is derived from what you see, think and believe others think and believe about you. Self-respect is what you know about yourself.

With this understand you can see clearly why there can be those who ain't shit with a high self-esteem and no self-respect. Then there are those, (like I used to be) with no self-esteem, but high self-respect.

So many woman struggle with self-esteem and thing very little about self-respect. If you have self-respect, you don't need self-esteem. Self-respect trumps self-esteem because it is based on what you know from within. Self-respect is derived from your awareness of your dignity and character. In lies, the problem, a stupid ass does not maintain their dignity, or sharpen their character. They allow their actions to be dictated by the desires of others. No where is this behavior more suicidal than in a relationship with a man.

Even the most well meaning man will abuse a woman who receives recognizes her self-worth only through the eyes of others. Either he will leave her or mistreat her in the end. Either way she will try to feed off the glory of being a victim for as long as she can, when in reality, she is a stupid ass.

The worse thing that can happen is for a Stupid Ass to be married to someone with no self-esteem or self-respect. Not only is the person unable to mirror anything positive for her, he, himself is trapped in his own stupid hell, so they go through stupid shit. God forbid they have children.

Women, check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

She Finally Gets It

My 32 year old told me, "I love you so much. You have taught me so much about life just watching you. At first I didn't understand about you and Jerome. You have been a model for resilence and patience. You have showed me you can benefit from waiting, that God will take care of things."

My children have long wanted me to leave my husband, but I knew what I was going through was bigger than what appeared to the eye. I knew God was working on me and my husband and that all I had to do was be patient. It wasn't easy. My children and some friends gave me hard time because they couldn't understand why I stayed. Now, they get it.

Now that they see how whole I am, how much God has truly blessed me, the arre also believers.

"Divorce him for what? You did the right thing."

A few years back she was campaigning for me to get rid of him. Now, she gets what I meant each time I responded, "It's not for me to control him. God will take care of him."

Even when I was in the midst of turmoil, in the back of my mind I knew God was in control and I obeyed. I am so glad I did. My children have praised me over and over and it feels great to know for a fact I have been a great role model for reslience, love of God and change. I have shown them it is never too late live  your life. I'ved shown them that just because someone does something horrible to you doesn't mean you have to treat them the same way. I have modeled the importance of being open and honest with yourself, first and foremost.

I am proud of my relationship with my children. They have blessed me greatly this year with their feedback. They make me feel like a good mother.