The World's Standards

Should I choose to look at my past marriage activity through the eyes of the World, I would say I was a fool to have stayed. I should have never married him in the first place. On and on and in and out.

Truth is, I loved me some him and when it was right I was loving it up. Truth is, I ain't mad cause of what I didn't get, I'm mad cause of what I will never get again.

He will never hold me in his arms and wrap me so tight I can't breathe. Then, twirl me, (yes, part of the reason I married the nigga is cause he could pick me up and twirl me at almost 300 pounds),

He made me feel high the way he looked at me and like Beyonce' I used to love to kiss his face over and over and over again. Since we have been separated, I asked him what he missed and of course, my barrage of kisses was high on the list. I adored my husband. The legs I rubbed with pure Shea Butter and sure love, gone somewhere, thrown away like they never had any use. Oh, but I remember the warmth from them when he wrapped them around my body as he lay on my back and whispered in my ear. Willingly transferring his life force and I was oh so glad to receive.

But, no more. The World would have me miss those memories. Have me to believe I was better off without the man I loved. Anyway! I can't tell. No matter what the force to destroy, I went to and listened to the place inside me connected with the Universe and rode it out. After a while, I got it and I no longer had to trip. I knew I had to find someway to enjoy the ride and I did that.

Now that he is basically no more. I mean I really ain't trying to be funny be he looked like Jaba the Hut in a Pinned Stripped suit at his mother's funeral. This was a tall, handsome, two-legged man with both hands and use of his arms. He gave it up for the streets and women and having his way. When I look at him, I get what God wants me to do and to know. I see how I can help others understand that life is not all about getting what you want. Those are not the times you win. You only truly win when you share your love.

My husband told me he wasn't husband material. I didn't know what husband material was so I had no reference to question one way are the other. I just knew I wanted him and it felt right. Even when that thang was at it worse, it felt right. Mine was a covenant marriage. Baby, when I tell you God did it! Know and believe, trust and observe; God got me, and I got this.

So to the world? I owe you nothing. Not one damn thang. I paid my dues.

He Admitted the Truth

A year and a half after we were separated my husband called me and admitted he believes he is 80% responsible for the demise of our marriage. I didn't say a word. I listened closely as he spilled his guts.

"I don't regret much, but I do regret not doing right by you."

Took him all that time to accept responsibility for his actions. He also wondered out loud why it took him so long to recognize my worth. He answered his own question when he admitted to wanting immediate gratification. He accepted that is why he was unable to stay faithful, be loyal or hold our marriage in high regard. All he wanted to do was do what he wanted to do, no matter who he hurt.

His admission of the truth provided closure. If it wasn't for the reality of the matter, of the fact, I could easily forgot those years spent making an effort to be a wife to him. I must admit; it don't hurt now. I am like a new woman.

The truth really did set me free.

She Finally Gets It

My 32 year old told me, "I love you so much. You have taught me so much about life just watching you. At first I didn't understand about you and Jerome. You have been a model for resilence and patience. You have showed me you can benefit from waiting, that God will take care of things."

My children have long wanted me to leave my husband, but I knew what I was going through was bigger than what appeared to the eye. I knew God was working on me and my husband and that all I had to do was be patient. It wasn't easy. My children and some friends gave me hard time because they couldn't understand why I stayed. Now, they get it.

Now that they see how whole I am, how much God has truly blessed me, the arre also believers.

"Divorce him for what? You did the right thing."

A few years back she was campaigning for me to get rid of him. Now, she gets what I meant each time I responded, "It's not for me to control him. God will take care of him."

Even when I was in the midst of turmoil, in the back of my mind I knew God was in control and I obeyed. I am so glad I did. My children have praised me over and over and it feels great to know for a fact I have been a great role model for reslience, love of God and change. I have shown them it is never too late live  your life. I'ved shown them that just because someone does something horrible to you doesn't mean you have to treat them the same way. I have modeled the importance of being open and honest with yourself, first and foremost.

I am proud of my relationship with my children. They have blessed me greatly this year with their feedback. They make me feel like a good mother.