Admit It

Seriously, how many times have you been with a man to get something you knew he could give you, only to not want him when you don't want what you wanted when you first met him, anymore?

What is the point of this blog?

I want everyone to be happy, especially women. We try so hard. Yes, as my guy TI put, we can be a "tad misguided."

The way we hinder this pattern of giving the impression of being loss is to become more self-aware. I know, you hate to admit that sometimes you are manipulative and that you lie and even steal just to get a stupid purse, or dress. It would be hard for me too to say, "Yes, I slept with him for some red bottoms."

Yet, until we face all the little dark places of the self, who we are at our best cannot shine through and yes, you will continue to try to do the right thing with the wrong man until you right your wrongs. It always comes back to us. We cannot change it, until we admit it.

Prime Example

Talk about a guilty pleasure; I watch Love and Hip New York. This issuation Miss Yandy has found herself in is way too familiar to many women throughout the country who are in love with criminals. You look up her story and find out she has been with this man maybe as long as nine years. There is no way she did not know he was shady.

Like so many of us, we think love makes it okay to be with these guys who are nothing more than modern day slaves, willing to give their lives up for a quick buck. Yeah, he was dealing top weight and making big cash, but now when he is needed the most, karma has comma' calling and it is time to pay the piper. She is a prime example of a woman trying to do the right thing with the wrong man.

She is smart, intelligent and capable. She needs to accept her role in the situation, no matter if it was only to "act" like she didn't know he was a serious drug dealer. Her net worth will keep her comfortable if she does not succumb to her emotions. She keeps lying to herself saying, "this is not what I signed up for."

Yes, it is. You got exactly what you signed up for when you had a baby by a criminal, becoming single mother. She needs to prepare herself for writing letters and posting money on his books. She better get used to traveling to see him and hope he ain't on lock down.

She needs to dry her eyes, but her big girl panties on and make a decision. Is you is, or is you ain't his baby?

If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It

It is easy to see why women get a pass on so many things. We really do put our heart into most of what we do. Still, we must recognize when we are trying to fit a square peg in a round whole. If it don't fit, don't force it.

It amazes me that women are still using getting pregnant to try to trap men. If it don't fit, don't force it. I can barely comprehend why some would think creating a dependent for life with someone you had to track down to give the sex to will enhance your life.

We are in our will. Calling ourselves doing the right thing, even though we know he ain't right. See, what we misunderstand is the extent of our power as women. We cannot force another into growing up or taking responsibility. These factors are born from the inside out. Yet, there are many of us who think, "If he loves me, he will....."

When he doesn't, we never think, "We'll, I guess he doesn't love me, I should move on."
No, we dig our heels in deeper and continue to call ourselves doing the right thing, with the wrong man.

Stupid Ass

Sometimes we can be just plain stupid asses. Women, that is. There are biological reasons why we experience some of the self-hate we do during our teen-aged years. Unfortunately, it also during that time that our self-esteem needs to be developed in a positive way. Otherwise, we will most likely have to work on ourselves later if our self-esteem is low throughout our teens.

The dictionary defines self-esteem as a realistic respect or favorable impression of one-self.
Self-respect is defined as .proper esteem or regard for the dignity of ones character.

What the dictionary does not tell you is self-esteem is derived from what you see, think and believe others think and believe about you. Self-respect is what you know about yourself.

With this understand you can see clearly why there can be those who ain't shit with a high self-esteem and no self-respect. Then there are those, (like I used to be) with no self-esteem, but high self-respect.

So many woman struggle with self-esteem and thing very little about self-respect. If you have self-respect, you don't need self-esteem. Self-respect trumps self-esteem because it is based on what you know from within. Self-respect is derived from your awareness of your dignity and character. In lies, the problem, a stupid ass does not maintain their dignity, or sharpen their character. They allow their actions to be dictated by the desires of others. No where is this behavior more suicidal than in a relationship with a man.

Even the most well meaning man will abuse a woman who receives recognizes her self-worth only through the eyes of others. Either he will leave her or mistreat her in the end. Either way she will try to feed off the glory of being a victim for as long as she can, when in reality, she is a stupid ass.

The worse thing that can happen is for a Stupid Ass to be married to someone with no self-esteem or self-respect. Not only is the person unable to mirror anything positive for her, he, himself is trapped in his own stupid hell, so they go through stupid shit. God forbid they have children.

Women, check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

A Made Up Mind

When I was married and finally realized my spouse was never going to give the relationship its due; I made up my mind to be the wife I wanted to be. It didn't matter in real time, but in the long run, like right now, my being that way has made all the difference in the world.

When you love the wrong man, there is a lot of pain associated with it because usually they really do not know how to love back. They rarely are present even when they are and seldom want to deal with the day-to-day of the relationship.

It is clear they are truly in it for what they can get and not much more. So many do not listen to men when they are telling them point blank that they are not the marrying kind, or even fit for a long-term relationship. I was one of those women. I was so caught up in getting what I wanted until, (to be honest) what he wanted didn't matter much, because I knew best. At least that is what I told myself and that is why I ended up carrying the marriage for must of its duration.

He sat back and let me do all I wanted to. He let me be all I wanted to be. Why? Because I am a giver and he completely benefited from everything I produced. Who would stay for the door prizes?

Still, I decided I would see the thing through and I am glad I did. Now that it is over, I harbor no hard feelings. I am free to love without reservation and I am not bitter, but better for having a made up mind.

He Admitted the Truth

A year and a half after we were separated my husband called me and admitted he believes he is 80% responsible for the demise of our marriage. I didn't say a word. I listened closely as he spilled his guts.

"I don't regret much, but I do regret not doing right by you."

Took him all that time to accept responsibility for his actions. He also wondered out loud why it took him so long to recognize my worth. He answered his own question when he admitted to wanting immediate gratification. He accepted that is why he was unable to stay faithful, be loyal or hold our marriage in high regard. All he wanted to do was do what he wanted to do, no matter who he hurt.

His admission of the truth provided closure. If it wasn't for the reality of the matter, of the fact, I could easily forgot those years spent making an effort to be a wife to him. I must admit; it don't hurt now. I am like a new woman.

The truth really did set me free.

Year Anniversary

As of July 4th, my husband and I have been separated a year. It was a devastating blow to my ego and heart when I had to accept that I would no longer be able to maintain a marital relationship with the man I am legally married to. Separation was the only answer to the problem.

It has taken me a year to really be able to write about my feelings in a real way. I have been soft stepping around the issue because my heart was truly broken. It is true! Time does heal and I feel much better now.

In the movie, Adjustment Bureau, Matt Damon is being kept away from a woman he is destined to love. The reason they keep him away from her is because they want him to serve the greater good and if he gets with this woman, he will be content and would not want to pursue the political career being laid out for him.

More and more I am getting the impression that the same thing is happening in my life. Although, to me, there is no greater calling than being a wife and mother; I do believe God has more in store for me and freeing me from a marriage that would have required all my time and energy, once again, is not what God has in store for me. I had to let go and get out before I missed my blessing.

I am on my way!