Why Won't You Just Admit It?

Why can't many women admit that they were doing the right thing, but with the wrong man?
See, a lot of times it is not that he is a bad man, he is the wrong man. In my case, the man I married would have made a marvelous boyfriend or baby daddy. He was a very attentive father. I trusted him to love, protect and shelter them. He would have made a great boyfriend too, as long as there was no responsibility on the table and all he had to do was wine and dine and romance; he's the man.

Who I was could not see who he was and his value or lack thereof, in my life. I felt we had to be married and would not accept anything less. This attitude, although admirable also blinded me from recognizing he was not was not HUSBAND material. Yes, he would cook clean, take care of the children. Yes, once he learned, he was very attentive to my physical needs, but he was not husband material.

I could have been taught how to recognize a husband, but I wasn't. I had no models for a well ran marriage. Even though I knew the relationships portrayed on TV were not real, they were where I got a lot of my ideas. Movies like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Carousel, Young at Heart, The Man With the Golden Arm, Mother Never Told Me and the Unexpected Uncle. 

I found myself identifying with many of the women who chose the underdog, the one everyone wanted to through away. I later discovered I did so because of how I felt about myself and I have a deep capacity for love. Even as a child, I felt love was the answer to all our problems in the world.

I was determined to do the right thing in my marriage. I stayed until I could not any longer and that was longer than I could have ever imagined. In reality, it took me 26 years to fully accept I was of no use to the man I married. I had to accept for all my smarts and knowledge; I could not help him embrace the wonder that was him. Nothing in my words or deed reached deep enough to spark true and lasting change. Yet, I was willing to forgive over and over again. It felt good to be able to do so as I was growing personally and getting real life, hands on training in loving a difficult person, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Outside of the fact that I just didn't want to do it anymore and I truly believe God released me from the marriage, I probably would still be active in the marriage. That is just how strongly I love. It pains me not to be able to share my love with others, but I have come to truly understand that love don't love nobody. Sometimes you just gotta walk away and accept he was not meant for you.

A lot of women get hung up on being ashamed because they may have children or have spent a lot of money on him, whatever. We pick or allow ourselves to be picked by the wrong man because we don't know what we want. We need to spend more time in self-care, examining our wants, needs and desires. We need to figure out why we want what we think we do, only to find it ain't what we want at all.

If you find yourself in this situation, break away.  It doesn't make you a quitter. It doesn't mean you aren't lovable. It doesn't mean that you will be alone for the rest of your life.  It simply means he was not the one for you and you have seek God's will for life and the man for you will step into your path.

The Hoveround Man

Now, you get it! Now you fully understand. Good for you, but you gotta leave me along Hoveround Man. Yes, the man I married has begun hovering around my house. I came out the other day and he was sitting under a tree a few doors down with a stupid look on his face. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I told this man he was going to miss me when I was gone. How many times I did all I could to help him, love him, be there for him. It was never good enough.

It is not my fault you were unable to make the necessary changes to stay in my life. I gave and worked. I did what I was supposed to do and learned what I did not know. You on the other hand, thought marriage was just for you. You loved the benefits, but could not reciprocate and now you want to hang around my door, ring my phone and talk about how much you miss me.

I have paid the price for trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. You no longer hold any part of my heart. You were able to completely shatter it. I have thoughts for you and they are of well-being. I want you to win, still, after all we've been through. You winning at something in life would be glorious.

Instead you continue on these selfish rampages, turning everyone around you away. Please tell me? What have you done to better the life of another? Be honest.

The day you can answer that question I may have fifteen minutes for you. You are not the man for me. Accept it.

There is a Right Way and a Wrong Way to Love Somebody

I accept that I am a good writer and can move people with my words. It is rarely intentional. I have had several men approach me based on my Facebook post. Most have been very respectful, but there have been a few that have had no filter.

I often wonder what makes folk show their ugly side when initially meeting someone. What would make a man who has hopes to be with a woman, talk to her in a vulgar manner within minutes of a conversation? What makes him think he can do it and still have the women's attention?

You have to wonder are there women out their who find that type of talk appealing? are there women out there who led men to believe that degrading conversations are sexually arousing? I have had two such encounters. One of the men became a stalker. He could not believe I was not interested in him because he wanted to be with me. He had homes and cars and money and motorcycles. He boasted of this, even had pictures posted of the interiors of his cabinets and refrigerator.

Left me wondering, if I looked like I was hungry. He just kept talking about all this and that. Meanwhile, he couldn't walk two steps without having to take a break. Really. At this age, walking is about all will soon be able to do. None of those things will be of comfort when the wheelchair becomes your mode of transportation.

I don't know about other women, but I want a man who considers his healthy. Who knows how to love with his heart and is will to grow in love with another. A man who knows there is something greater than he, that supports his efforts good or bad, right or wrong. Someone with a high personal integrity and would never want to stoop as low to as to use vulgarity to get his point across.

We got a long way to go. Just know, there is little fun trying to do the right thing with the wrong man.

Too Old For Stupid Shit

Another problem women have in relationships is always trying to make a man give them what they want. They may withhold sex, treat him badly or refuse his phone calls. This is cool in your 20's and may spill over into your 30's, but damn by the time you get in your 40's you too old for stupid shit.

By the time most women are in their 40's, they have had their babies, did the Sally Homemaker routine, etc. So, more than likely if you find yourself looking, you are looking for a man who WANTS to meet your needs. This is not hard to figure out because he will explore and observe. He will ask questions and show interest.

If you have to hunt him down, or the only time you hear from him is at 3:00 a.m.; you know he ain't that into you. By the time women reach their 40's, there is a hope for some sense of self-respect and need for validation from within. Having to run a man down to love you is insane. And if you are doing it, let me be the first to tell you; you too old for stupid shit.

Not My Battle

Women need to wake up and accept their role in the destruction of their lives. We often want to blame the lack of a good man in our lives for the way our lives have turned out when in actuality, many of us spend too much time trying to do the right thing, with the wrong man.

When my husband and I spent time together, it was always quality time. Even though he wasn't formally educated, he was an intellectual in many ways. He did his best to carry on a conversations, but in the end he could only go so far. One thing for sure I knew, he was a person who suffered from deep loneliness, feelings of unworthiness, abandonment and neglect. As we progressed and I began to learn more about his past, I would encourage him to seek help, or to at least examine how these feelings are effecting his life in the present.

He would sometimes laugh it off, but mostly he would become angry and belittle me for delving into my feelings. He would often spout off how he would never do what was done to him. How he would be a different type of man and father. I watched him put forth effort in many ways. His own personality was so strong he was able to will himself into doing certain things that were contrary to what he was familiar with. Then, he would also mimic me. I noticed much of what I did became the standard. I saw how he was seeking structure and order and how I gave him the opportunity to choose it or not.

I knew I could not heal his loneliness. I knew it was not my battle to fight, but I did believe I was meant to love him, so I held on until all the good was gone. There was a price to pay, but a greater victory in the end. Now, I clearly understand I am not to engage in a relationship with someone who does not know how to love. I will never do the right thing with the wrong man again.

The World's Standards

Should I choose to look at my past marriage activity through the eyes of the World, I would say I was a fool to have stayed. I should have never married him in the first place. On and on and in and out.

Truth is, I loved me some him and when it was right I was loving it up. Truth is, I ain't mad cause of what I didn't get, I'm mad cause of what I will never get again.

He will never hold me in his arms and wrap me so tight I can't breathe. Then, twirl me, (yes, part of the reason I married the nigga is cause he could pick me up and twirl me at almost 300 pounds),

He made me feel high the way he looked at me and like Beyonce' I used to love to kiss his face over and over and over again. Since we have been separated, I asked him what he missed and of course, my barrage of kisses was high on the list. I adored my husband. The legs I rubbed with pure Shea Butter and sure love, gone somewhere, thrown away like they never had any use. Oh, but I remember the warmth from them when he wrapped them around my body as he lay on my back and whispered in my ear. Willingly transferring his life force and I was oh so glad to receive.

But, no more. The World would have me miss those memories. Have me to believe I was better off without the man I loved. Anyway! I can't tell. No matter what the force to destroy, I went to and listened to the place inside me connected with the Universe and rode it out. After a while, I got it and I no longer had to trip. I knew I had to find someway to enjoy the ride and I did that.

Now that he is basically no more. I mean I really ain't trying to be funny be he looked like Jaba the Hut in a Pinned Stripped suit at his mother's funeral. This was a tall, handsome, two-legged man with both hands and use of his arms. He gave it up for the streets and women and having his way. When I look at him, I get what God wants me to do and to know. I see how I can help others understand that life is not all about getting what you want. Those are not the times you win. You only truly win when you share your love.

My husband told me he wasn't husband material. I didn't know what husband material was so I had no reference to question one way are the other. I just knew I wanted him and it felt right. Even when that thang was at it worse, it felt right. Mine was a covenant marriage. Baby, when I tell you God did it! Know and believe, trust and observe; God got me, and I got this.

So to the world? I owe you nothing. Not one damn thang. I paid my dues.

Pay Attention

People tell on themselves all the time. Whether consciously or not, they want you to know who they are; they just might not come right out and tell you. They want to see if you are paying attention. Men are great at taking advantage of their woman slipping. Sometimes they read our signals wrong, but most often they are right when they think we have little regard for who we are. A lot of time they want to see how much they can get and/or get away with. Depending on how much you do/or don't know who you are will determine how far they can take you.

We all know of a women who knew from the jump the man she chose wasn't right. But he had a few qualities she thought should couldn't do without, until she was ready to do without him. We have to know when we make the conscious choice to be with someone who we know is shady, our cloudy view will continue to lead us astray.

It is virtually impossible to survive doing the right thing with the wrong man without having a firm and solid relationship with yourself. You have to be strong enough stand tall in face of your feelings, emotions and desires. You have to be ready to fight for your life and know it is so true that love don't love nobody. The wrong man will challenge every belief you have because he has none truly for himself. He believes nothing but his own hype and the lies he has has fed to others.

Pay attention! Men and women. Men get choose the wrong women everyday and suffer until they can't anymore. Listen!

Admit It

Seriously, how many times have you been with a man to get something you knew he could give you, only to not want him when you don't want what you wanted when you first met him, anymore?

What is the point of this blog?

I want everyone to be happy, especially women. We try so hard. Yes, as my guy TI put, we can be a "tad misguided."

The way we hinder this pattern of giving the impression of being loss is to become more self-aware. I know, you hate to admit that sometimes you are manipulative and that you lie and even steal just to get a stupid purse, or dress. It would be hard for me too to say, "Yes, I slept with him for some red bottoms."

Yet, until we face all the little dark places of the self, who we are at our best cannot shine through and yes, you will continue to try to do the right thing with the wrong man until you right your wrongs. It always comes back to us. We cannot change it, until we admit it.

Prime Example

Talk about a guilty pleasure; I watch Love and Hip New York. This issuation Miss Yandy has found herself in is way too familiar to many women throughout the country who are in love with criminals. You look up her story and find out she has been with this man maybe as long as nine years. There is no way she did not know he was shady.

Like so many of us, we think love makes it okay to be with these guys who are nothing more than modern day slaves, willing to give their lives up for a quick buck. Yeah, he was dealing top weight and making big cash, but now when he is needed the most, karma has comma' calling and it is time to pay the piper. She is a prime example of a woman trying to do the right thing with the wrong man.

She is smart, intelligent and capable. She needs to accept her role in the situation, no matter if it was only to "act" like she didn't know he was a serious drug dealer. Her net worth will keep her comfortable if she does not succumb to her emotions. She keeps lying to herself saying, "this is not what I signed up for."

Yes, it is. You got exactly what you signed up for when you had a baby by a criminal, becoming single mother. She needs to prepare herself for writing letters and posting money on his books. She better get used to traveling to see him and hope he ain't on lock down.

She needs to dry her eyes, but her big girl panties on and make a decision. Is you is, or is you ain't his baby?

If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It

It is easy to see why women get a pass on so many things. We really do put our heart into most of what we do. Still, we must recognize when we are trying to fit a square peg in a round whole. If it don't fit, don't force it.

It amazes me that women are still using getting pregnant to try to trap men. If it don't fit, don't force it. I can barely comprehend why some would think creating a dependent for life with someone you had to track down to give the sex to will enhance your life.

We are in our will. Calling ourselves doing the right thing, even though we know he ain't right. See, what we misunderstand is the extent of our power as women. We cannot force another into growing up or taking responsibility. These factors are born from the inside out. Yet, there are many of us who think, "If he loves me, he will....."

When he doesn't, we never think, "We'll, I guess he doesn't love me, I should move on."
No, we dig our heels in deeper and continue to call ourselves doing the right thing, with the wrong man.

Stupid Ass

Sometimes we can be just plain stupid asses. Women, that is. There are biological reasons why we experience some of the self-hate we do during our teen-aged years. Unfortunately, it also during that time that our self-esteem needs to be developed in a positive way. Otherwise, we will most likely have to work on ourselves later if our self-esteem is low throughout our teens.

The dictionary defines self-esteem as a realistic respect or favorable impression of one-self.
Self-respect is defined as .proper esteem or regard for the dignity of ones character.

What the dictionary does not tell you is self-esteem is derived from what you see, think and believe others think and believe about you. Self-respect is what you know about yourself.

With this understand you can see clearly why there can be those who ain't shit with a high self-esteem and no self-respect. Then there are those, (like I used to be) with no self-esteem, but high self-respect.

So many woman struggle with self-esteem and thing very little about self-respect. If you have self-respect, you don't need self-esteem. Self-respect trumps self-esteem because it is based on what you know from within. Self-respect is derived from your awareness of your dignity and character. In lies, the problem, a stupid ass does not maintain their dignity, or sharpen their character. They allow their actions to be dictated by the desires of others. No where is this behavior more suicidal than in a relationship with a man.

Even the most well meaning man will abuse a woman who receives recognizes her self-worth only through the eyes of others. Either he will leave her or mistreat her in the end. Either way she will try to feed off the glory of being a victim for as long as she can, when in reality, she is a stupid ass.

The worse thing that can happen is for a Stupid Ass to be married to someone with no self-esteem or self-respect. Not only is the person unable to mirror anything positive for her, he, himself is trapped in his own stupid hell, so they go through stupid shit. God forbid they have children.

Women, check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

A Made Up Mind

When I was married and finally realized my spouse was never going to give the relationship its due; I made up my mind to be the wife I wanted to be. It didn't matter in real time, but in the long run, like right now, my being that way has made all the difference in the world.

When you love the wrong man, there is a lot of pain associated with it because usually they really do not know how to love back. They rarely are present even when they are and seldom want to deal with the day-to-day of the relationship.

It is clear they are truly in it for what they can get and not much more. So many do not listen to men when they are telling them point blank that they are not the marrying kind, or even fit for a long-term relationship. I was one of those women. I was so caught up in getting what I wanted until, (to be honest) what he wanted didn't matter much, because I knew best. At least that is what I told myself and that is why I ended up carrying the marriage for must of its duration.

He sat back and let me do all I wanted to. He let me be all I wanted to be. Why? Because I am a giver and he completely benefited from everything I produced. Who would stay for the door prizes?

Still, I decided I would see the thing through and I am glad I did. Now that it is over, I harbor no hard feelings. I am free to love without reservation and I am not bitter, but better for having a made up mind.

He Admitted the Truth

A year and a half after we were separated my husband called me and admitted he believes he is 80% responsible for the demise of our marriage. I didn't say a word. I listened closely as he spilled his guts.

"I don't regret much, but I do regret not doing right by you."

Took him all that time to accept responsibility for his actions. He also wondered out loud why it took him so long to recognize my worth. He answered his own question when he admitted to wanting immediate gratification. He accepted that is why he was unable to stay faithful, be loyal or hold our marriage in high regard. All he wanted to do was do what he wanted to do, no matter who he hurt.

His admission of the truth provided closure. If it wasn't for the reality of the matter, of the fact, I could easily forgot those years spent making an effort to be a wife to him. I must admit; it don't hurt now. I am like a new woman.

The truth really did set me free.

Year Anniversary

As of July 4th, my husband and I have been separated a year. It was a devastating blow to my ego and heart when I had to accept that I would no longer be able to maintain a marital relationship with the man I am legally married to. Separation was the only answer to the problem.

It has taken me a year to really be able to write about my feelings in a real way. I have been soft stepping around the issue because my heart was truly broken. It is true! Time does heal and I feel much better now.

In the movie, Adjustment Bureau, Matt Damon is being kept away from a woman he is destined to love. The reason they keep him away from her is because they want him to serve the greater good and if he gets with this woman, he will be content and would not want to pursue the political career being laid out for him.

More and more I am getting the impression that the same thing is happening in my life. Although, to me, there is no greater calling than being a wife and mother; I do believe God has more in store for me and freeing me from a marriage that would have required all my time and energy, once again, is not what God has in store for me. I had to let go and get out before I missed my blessing.

I am on my way!

She Finally Gets It

My 32 year old told me, "I love you so much. You have taught me so much about life just watching you. At first I didn't understand about you and Jerome. You have been a model for resilence and patience. You have showed me you can benefit from waiting, that God will take care of things."

My children have long wanted me to leave my husband, but I knew what I was going through was bigger than what appeared to the eye. I knew God was working on me and my husband and that all I had to do was be patient. It wasn't easy. My children and some friends gave me hard time because they couldn't understand why I stayed. Now, they get it.

Now that they see how whole I am, how much God has truly blessed me, the arre also believers.

"Divorce him for what? You did the right thing."

A few years back she was campaigning for me to get rid of him. Now, she gets what I meant each time I responded, "It's not for me to control him. God will take care of him."

Even when I was in the midst of turmoil, in the back of my mind I knew God was in control and I obeyed. I am so glad I did. My children have praised me over and over and it feels great to know for a fact I have been a great role model for reslience, love of God and change. I have shown them it is never too late live  your life. I'ved shown them that just because someone does something horrible to you doesn't mean you have to treat them the same way. I have modeled the importance of being open and honest with yourself, first and foremost.

I am proud of my relationship with my children. They have blessed me greatly this year with their feedback. They make me feel like a good mother.